Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Tick Tock

The clock says it’s about 5:30, I am walking in the door after driving home from daycare with the boys. B screaming because he is hungry and we are late for dinner…tick tock tick tock. G screaming at B to stop crying. Daddy’s phone rings; it’s my mom. I told him I will call her back after dinner; too much chaos.

The clock says it is about 6:00 now, the phone rings again; its mom. I answer and apologize for not picking up earlier. She asks if Brad is around. I explain he is trying to bribe G into eating one more bite while I try to keep B away from the sharps in the dishwasher. Thinking she may just need some sort of technical help, I offer my services. Looking back this was silly as she knows as much about technology as Daddy and I do. She hesitates…tick tock, tick tock. I knew then. I said “mom, you want to make sure Brad is here before you tell me something”. She does it the way I would do it, rip it off like a band aid, just say it. Cancer. Again.

I have suspected my mom’s health was declining since last April. B was getting baptized at the Easter Service and mom called the day she was to leave DC and said she couldn’t make it. Although it was actually an accident my step dad had at the job site that caused their absence, things did not improve as the year progressed. Every time I talked to mom, she was sick. Sinus Infection, Cold, Bronchitis, Pneumonia. She just always seemed run down. The sinus infection went into a cold that three rounds of anti-biotics could not kick. First x-ray: abnormal. Second x-ray: abnormal. CAT scan: Lung Cancer spread to lymph nodes.

Mom is no stranger to cancer. She fought breast cancer and beat it while I was in high school. Although she had to have multiple surgeries she came out stronger than ever. Her attitude was amazing during the whole process. She must have learned that from Nana during her breast cancer fight. A strong disease but even stronger women.

The clock says 6:15. I call my sister. She is upset; mad the doctors can’t see mom sooner. Sis is already on her way to DC with her husband and 6 week old baby girl. She cannot get there fast enough. Tick tock, tick tock. I feel guilty I am not on my way yet. I feel it is not my time to go yet. Am I wrong?

The clock says 6:22. I call my dad; my mom’s ex-husband. Although they have only spoken to each other three times in the last 13 years ( my wedding and my sister's weddings) I need my dad to know, I need to hear his voice. He is supportive and gracious. He says he is sad she has to go through this again; but she can do it. Thanks dad. I am glad I called.

I hope I gave mom the response she needed. She said my sister broke down. I feel guilty because I didn’t. That is not the way I handle things. I went into research mode. How long have you had it? In what stage is it? What type of cancer is it? I need to be her advocate. I need her to know I care and I am worried but did I come off callus or too stoic? A mother of two, I recognize my boys have opposite personalities; I know mom sees the same in me and my sister.

The clock says it’s about 9:30. Now we wait. They say it is cancer but we wait for oncology and pulmonary specialists to tell us how bad and what to do. Tick Tock, Tick Tock.

I already know what to do. Stop all the clocks and Pray.


A Buns Life said...

Ugh. I'm so sorry she is going through this again. Everyone reacts differently and just because you aren't an emotional basket case doesn't mean that you aren't just as upset or don't care just as much and your mom knows this. She knows YOU. You are the "strong" one, which of course doesn't mean that you don't have the right to break down if you need to. Get all the facts, find out what the course of treatment is going to be and go from there. She is a strong woman, and has fought and survived before. She can do this again. Love you.

Momo Fali said...

I am so, so sorry. Whatever you do, don't feel guilty...tick's not worth the time.

Heydt Wylie Family said...

sorry our prayers are with you and your family.

Karen said...

Cancer is the enemy. I will say a prayer for your mom, and all of you. Keep us updated, ok??