Monday, May 12, 2008

One Carry On Per Passenger Please

If you saw the tree house on a real life traveling adventure you would wonder if we were homeless nomads. We bring everything of importance with us. Each adult has a laptop bag on their back. The boys share a big "bag 'o crap". Finally, there is the carry on which is stuffed as much as possible to avoid the wait at the baggage carousel. Oh, I forgot the car seats, for each child, and a stroller.

I am the type that will stuff as much in a bag as I can. My Army veteran husband has taught me the proper way to roll clothing to take advantage of all the space available in a bag. I also utilize the "sit and zip" method. I carry a big purse, which, due to my neurosis, has its own little purses inside with categorized items. No, I do not mind if my food touches smarty.

If life is a journey we have baggage right? Guilt, self hate, shame, etc. I am taking full advantage of the space in my bag with lots of guilt. I worry about spending enough time with friends and family and still leaving room for me. I worry about giving my boys, all three of them, enough encouragement to help them grow as men. I worry about what others think of me. I worry about making my parents proud. I worry about making God proud. I second guess myself a lot.

I am still a newlywed to the stay at home gig with the boys. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding for all of us. My guilt was magnified the other day when Daddy was home.

I was doing the dishes when I heard Little Man say "Mommy watch me". If you are like me, you hear this A LOT. I told Little Man to hang on a second so I could finish my task. He continued to request my eyes. I guess my tone was noticeable by Daddy. My heart overflowed with guilt and love when I realized all Little Man wanted to show me was how he and brother were hugging and kissing each other good morning. Heartbreak.

I begin to explain myself to Daddy. Daddy, I hear that all the time, it is like the boy that called wolf. How do you determine when to look immediately and when to wait? How do the boys know that everything they do is worth acknowledgement?

I think it is important to let my boys know they are a part of a whole unit and not the center of that unit. They need to know it is not all about them, but that each of us supports and encourages the others. Little Man is great about praising The Babe when he does something new or says a new word. The Babe is good about waiting his turn. Now, if I could just forgive myself for not being perfect. I should give it up.


Joeprah said...

Aww, you'll get better at it. I have issues like that very one all the time, cept I generally am more harsh at first probably.

Putz said...

just be sure to have your eyes on little man all the time just in case, it is not too much to ask of you to have eyes glued on him and what does it take to praise him for everything, just to be sure

Honeybell said...

I know this guilt all too well. This striving for perfection thing never works out.

Kimmylyn said...

I am guilty of this more times than I want to admit to myself... As honeybell said. striving for perfection really never works out for me..

amy t sharp said...

I feel ya

Tara R. said...

It really doesn't get much better as they get into their teens... the demand for attention is still there

The Immoral Matriarch said...

I understand. So well.

carrie said...

I'm starting an "I'm not a perfect parent so deal with it club." Wanna join?

It does get easier, but the guilt, I'm afraid is here to stay. :)

ps - I got your comment about reading my "book", gosh I didn't even realize you did that! For now, it is on the back burner, but I will definitely save your contact info - and your site was totally easy to navigate. It's a small world!

Momo Fali said...

Ugh...the "watching". It is a constant request in my house. And, very rarely interesting!

LiteralDan said...

Oh, you are preaching to the choir, my friend-- you can't win them all, so forget feeling guilty.

Focus instead on all the many times you made them feel loved and special when you watched them do something boring or stupid. I'm sure like all of us you have plenty of material to refer to!