You Can't Handle The Truth

Everyone has trying times. We all experience loss in one form or another. These events can happen to us one at a time like a slow leak or they can come at us all at once like a roof caving in. The great thing about being human is that we can all empathize with each other during strife and triumph. Not everyone handles success well. I have met a few people that actually sabotage their own success because they do not feel they deserve it. Fortunately I am not one of those people, I deserve every bit of it! Not everyone handles stress well. On the other hand, some of us shine brighter than ever when they are in a pressure cooker.

Problems are not really the problem. Coping is the problem. Not everyone is equipped with the necessary tools to get through the times that challenge them. I used to be the type of person that, under stress, would withdrawal from others. My theory was “why do I want to bother others with this”, this is my deal. What I have learned over the last few years is that these are the times I need to reach out even more than usual. Of course I am selective to whom I reach out, not everyone can handle the truth about other’s vulnerabilities.

After one particular year of growth, I had many friends say to me they could not imagine how I got through it. A divorce, the death of my mom, job loss, and a whole lot of heartache can test the strongest among us. Although I understood what they meant, I think what they should have said was “How did you get through it”.

For those that cannot tell the difference between the statement and the question, let me elaborate. The statement focuses on the situation. The question focuses on the person. I admit I am guilty of this too. I want to show my compassion but I do not want to bring up a sore subject. Are we all so self absorbed we do not realize there is a difference? Is it that no one wants to hear it? Are we afraid of what we will hear? Do we think what we hear will make us look at ourselves in a way we may not like?

No man is an island. If we would stop and listen to others, we might learn something about them, and maybe ourselves.

The Icing On The Chemo

I am not sure how she does it. I feel like I take copious notes and I know I do not get all the information she gives me. How does my mom keep track of the schedule, the drugs, the tests. How does she pay attention to what the nurses are telling her while she sits in a recliner dressed up like a science experiment?

I have been bad about documenting mom's progress. It is true, "out of sight, out of mind". I suppose after our visit to DC in April I felt relieved. Mom had energy and responded well to the treatment. The inflammation was decreasing and the tumor was not growing. I felt safe. Don't get me wrong, I knew "we", meaning mom, was not out of the woods. I didn't want my thoughts, or our phone conversations to be surrounded by this intruder. That is how I looked at this cancer. The intruder that took my mother's immortality. Isn't that what we think of our parents? That they will live forever and be just a call away forever? Or is that what is known as "taking it for granted".

They finally figured out the intruder had a name. Not just cancer. We now now the intruder's full name. You know how the media tacks on a middle name or initial to the criminal. Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wayne Gacy, etc. Mom's intruder, AKA Adenocarcinoma of the lung. This type of cancer is very common and is typical in non smokers and you guessed it; those that have quit. Makes you think twice about quitting huh?

The new information has allowed mom's doctors to have a more defined approach to her treatment. The new regime includes three weeks of treatment; one on each Friday. Then a Friday off. The desire is to shrink the tumor to a very small size. Hopefully small enough that other methods can be introduced to the fight. Radiation and Cyber Knife are two that are in the discussion fold at this time.

Although it is a base line, her blood work is looking good. The real story will be told with a CT scan being done in four weeks.One of the cancer factors that was 1996, dropped to 589, then to 529, went up to 645 and now is 208!! That is great news. The LDH that was at 25 is now at 16.9. So she currently has good factors. The white cell count had dropped below 1000 but corrected itself and is now up to 1108. They will not give her shots until after it stays below 1000 for 2 weeks. This concerns me a little because mom is prone to infection anyway. She always has a sinus infection and for the last year or so was always on an antibiotic. The red blood cells are good but a little thin-they are running a new lab test this week to determine if they want to start mom on liquid iron. This is not that surprising since mom has had issues with thin blood as long as I can remember. What can be an issue here is hemorrhaging. Mom hemorrhaged pretty badly giving birth to my sister at only 5-ish pounds and was experiencing some nose bleeds when they changed her treatment a few weeks back. She had a staph infection in her nose and they ended up having to cauterize some blood vessels up there. As if she didn't have enough going on.

The doctor is very pleased with the results to date and is in shock mom is still working 10-12 hour days while going through chemo. He mentioned in his whole case load he has two patients that are still working.

Oh wait! Make that one...Mom got FIRED today.
*That is all I am allowed to say at this point. I will update you all when I can.

The Icing On The Chemo

I am not sure how she does it. I feel like I take copious notes and I know I do not get all the information she gives me. How does my mom keep track of the schedule, the drugs, the tests. How does she pay attention to what the nurses are telling her while she sits in a recliner dressed up like a science experiment?

I have been bad about documenting mom's progress. It is true, "out of sight, out of mind". I suppose after our visit to DC in April I felt relieved. Mom had energy and responded well to the treatment. The inflammation was decreasing and the tumor was not growing. I felt safe. Don't get me wrong, I knew "we", meaning mom, was not out of the woods. I didn't want my thoughts, or our phone conversations to be surrounded by this intruder. That is how I looked at this cancer. The intruder that took my mother's immortality. Isn't that what we think of our parents? That they will live forever and be just a call away forever? Or is that what is known as "taking it for granted".

They finally figured out the intruder had a name. Not just cancer. We now now the intruder's full name. You know how the media tacks on a middle name or initial to the criminal. Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wayne Gacy, etc. Mom's intruder, AKA Adenocarcinoma of the lung. This type of cancer is very common and is typical in non smokers and you guessed it; those that have quit. Makes you think twice about quitting huh?

The new information has allowed mom's doctors to have a more defined approach to her treatment. The new regime includes three weeks of treatment; one on each Friday. Then a Friday off. The desire is to shrink the tumor to a very small size. Hopefully small enough that other methods can be introduced to the fight. Radiation and Cyber Knife are two that are in the discussion fold at this time.

Although it is a base line, her blood work is looking good. The real story will be told with a CT scan being done in four weeks.One of the cancer factors that was 1996, dropped to 589, then to 529, went up to 645 and now is 208!! That is great news. The LDH that was at 25 is now at 16.9. So she currently has good factors. The white cell count had dropped below 1000 but corrected itself and is now up to 1108. They will not give her shots until after it stays below 1000 for 2 weeks. This concerns me a little because mom is prone to infection anyway. She always has a sinus infection and for the last year or so was always on an antibiotic. The red blood cells are good but a little thin-they are running a new lab test this week to determine if they want to start mom on liquid iron. This is not that surprising since mom has had issues with thin blood as long as I can remember. What can be an issue here is hemorrhaging. Mom hemorrhaged pretty badly giving birth to my sister at only 5-ish pounds and was experiencing some nose bleeds when they changed her treatment a few weeks back. She had a staph infection in her nose and they ended up having to cauterize some blood vessels up there. As if she didn't have enough going on.

The doctor is very pleased with the results to date and is in shock mom is still working 10-12 hour days while going through chemo. He mentioned in his whole case load he has two patients that are still working.

Oh wait! Make that one...Mom got FIRED today.
*That is all I am allowed to say at this point. I will update you all when I can.

People Would Talk

We just missed a call to DFS last night. Daddy was with the boys in Little Man's room getting Little Man dressed for bed while The Babe played. The Babe was crawling around on a little toddler chair and rolled over and bumped his forehead on the to shelf next to the chair. Although Daddy said he was fine; I ran in when I heard the cry. It didn't look like much at first glance but upon further investigation he was this side of breaking the skin. The photo is not great and it was taken the day after the fact but it is still a good gooseegg. Brother Little Man did the same thing at day care when he was about The Babe's age; he tripped on a toy and busted his forehead on a table. After four stitches he had a cool Harry Potter scar just in time for Halloween. The Babe hit his forehead in the same spot. I swear if he had broken the skin and needed stitches the neighbors would have certainly hot lined us. I am sure there is a House episode about something like this.

People Would Talk

We just missed a call to DFS last night. Daddy was with the boys in Little Man's room getting Little Man dressed for bed while The Babe played. The Babe was crawling around on a little toddler chair and rolled over and bumped his forehead on the to shelf next to the chair. Although Daddy said he was fine; I ran in when I heard the cry. It didn't look like much at first glance but upon further investigation he was this side of breaking the skin. The photo is not great and it was taken the day after the fact but it is still a good gooseegg. Brother Little Man did the same thing at day care when he was about The Babe's age; he tripped on a toy and busted his forehead on a table. After four stitches he had a cool Harry Potter scar just in time for Halloween. The Babe hit his forehead in the same spot. I swear if he had broken the skin and needed stitches the neighbors would have certainly hot lined us. I am sure there is a House episode about something like this.

Chemo Chronicles-Cycle One Day Two

Today the plan is to keep things low key. The nurse told mom if she was going to have a "bad" day it would be Sunday. I compared t to a car wreck; the third day is usually the day that the pain sets in. The nurse said if anything mom will begin to come off the anti pain and nausea meds and be tired. I did not want mom to over do it today so we decided to do some light shopping while Daddy and Papa Johnson took the boys to the Air and Space Museum. I love DC; so much to do and most of it is free. Almost makes me want to move here; almost.

So the first stop on our agenda is the wig lady. Ironically the wig lady, Bobette, is from my home town of KC! We called her yesterday and she seemed very excited to meet peeps from her home town. She and her husband moved here two years ago with Sprint and she has run her business out f her home for about a year. Bobette has a rich family history with a mother that worked for the USDA in KC and was voted Business Person of the year a few years back, a father that was inducted into the Negro Baseball Hall of fame as an umpire, a jazz singing brother that sang back up for Barry Manilow, and a daughter that was recruited to the WNBA as a player for UMKC. Oh, and she used to be married to a KC Chiefs player. Remember the last post that said my mom and I are talkers...we were only with Bobette a couple of hours but we left with a new best friend!

Back to the wigs. We decided to shop for wigs while mom still had hair. The last thing I would want to do while loosing my hair is to look for more. Not only would I be insecure, but worn out. Shopping early allows mom some time to get it cut, colored, and styled. I would love toe like Dolly Parton and have my hair done for me while I get ready then just pop a different identity on each day.

We tried on a few different colors and styles Mom opted for two wigs that closely match her current color; one short and one a little longer. She wore the shorter one out the door to get used to it. I was surprised how real it looked and felt.

After the wig lady we headed to old Leesburg. I love little towns like this; quaint with little boutiques and pubs. Shop owners that know the regulars by name and the best local bakeries. We stop at a little thrift store I like as well as a children's boutique and a dress shop. We had some retail therapy and bought the boys some new shoes and clothes for the fall. I found a handful of items at the thrift store too. Mom didn't find much for herself but I am not convinced that is why she went; I think she just needed to get out and feel "normal".

Mom was in great spirits today, Every now and then she would act winded and need to sit down and drink some water. I reminded her on a number of occasions to not over do it. When she was done she told me it was time to go home. She said she did not want to nap today to make sure she slept through the night; last night the storied made her a little restless and the Benedryl didn't seem to help with sleeping. We will see how it goes tonight.

Chemo Chronicles-Cycle One Day Two

Today the plan is to keep things low key. The nurse told mom if she was going to have a "bad" day it would be Sunday. I compared t to a car wreck; the third day is usually the day that the pain sets in. The nurse said if anything mom will begin to come off the anti pain and nausea meds and be tired. I did not want mom to over do it today so we decided to do some light shopping while Daddy and Papa Johnson took the boys to the Air and Space Museum. I love DC; so much to do and most of it is free. Almost makes me want to move here; almost.

So the first stop on our agenda is the wig lady. Ironically the wig lady, Bobette, is from my home town of KC! We called her yesterday and she seemed very excited to meet peeps from her home town. She and her husband moved here two years ago with Sprint and she has run her business out f her home for about a year. Bobette has a rich family history with a mother that worked for the USDA in KC and was voted Business Person of the year a few years back, a father that was inducted into the Negro Baseball Hall of fame as an umpire, a jazz singing brother that sang back up for Barry Manilow, and a daughter that was recruited to the WNBA as a player for UMKC. Oh, and she used to be married to a KC Chiefs player. Remember the last post that said my mom and I are talkers...we were only with Bobette a couple of hours but we left with a new best friend!

Back to the wigs. We decided to shop for wigs while mom still had hair. The last thing I would want to do while loosing my hair is to look for more. Not only would I be insecure, but worn out. Shopping early allows mom some time to get it cut, colored, and styled. I would love toe like Dolly Parton and have my hair done for me while I get ready then just pop a different identity on each day.

We tried on a few different colors and styles Mom opted for two wigs that closely match her current color; one short and one a little longer. She wore the shorter one out the door to get used to it. I was surprised how real it looked and felt.

After the wig lady we headed to old Leesburg. I love little towns like this; quaint with little boutiques and pubs. Shop owners that know the regulars by name and the best local bakeries. We stop at a little thrift store I like as well as a children's boutique and a dress shop. We had some retail therapy and bought the boys some new shoes and clothes for the fall. I found a handful of items at the thrift store too. Mom didn't find much for herself but I am not convinced that is why she went; I think she just needed to get out and feel "normal".

Mom was in great spirits today, Every now and then she would act winded and need to sit down and drink some water. I reminded her on a number of occasions to not over do it. When she was done she told me it was time to go home. She said she did not want to nap today to make sure she slept through the night; last night the storied made her a little restless and the Benedryl didn't seem to help with sleeping. We will see how it goes tonight.

Chemo Chronicles-Cycle One Day One

We wake to a dreary, cold, rainy day in Leesburg; seems only appropriate for what our morning holds. Mom’s appointment is scheduled for 9am so we leave around twenty til. We stop at Harris Teeter to get a coffee and danish before heading to the doctor’s office. I miss Harris Teeter. I miss Hannaford. I miss grocery stores that make you like to go to the store. Stores that offer specialty items and wide aisles. Stores with big organic sections. But I digress.

So we get to the doctor’s office and check in. They take us back to a little lounge area with about ten recliners for patients and not as comfortable chairs for companions. Mom’s nurse Marla greets us and we talk about what to expect. Marla gives mom information about “cranial prostethetic devices”. Mom and I decide looking for a wig early in the treatment might be beneficial. It is probably a good idea to get one while she still has all of her hair and is not too self conscious about getting out. She says she might just cut her hair really short ad start wearing it to work now. She starts the IV with the anti-nausea meds for 15 minutes, then a steroid, then zantac, then Benadryl. The prep part takes about an hour then we move on to the good stuff. They start the taxateer slowly to make sure she does not have any adverse reactions, which she doesn’t. Once we complete the taxateer we move on to carboplatin.

When we first arrived in the lounge there was one other patient there and the place was a little somber. I guess it would be under the circumstances. Mom and I are kind of chatty so I hoped we won’t bug anyone. I mentioned to the guy next to us to let us know if we need to close our curtain so we would not bother him. He smiled and warmed up; said he didn’t mind our banter. More patients began to arrive. An elderly woman with a woman that had to be her sister came in for about a half hour. A middle age man came in and greeted the man next to us as if they had seen each other before. He said he was in for a long one today and looked like it with his bag of goodies to keep him feed, watered, and entertained. A woman with a head kerchief came in with her husband. It was obvious this was not her first treatment and after starting a conversation with her we learned she had twin 27 year old boys that did not live far from here and one was getting married in June. She is getting treated for lymphoma. A guy came in that seemed to be in his mid forties; he was handsome and jovial. He flirted with the nurses and laughed a lot. He had been here before. I told mom she needs to sit by him when she can. I liked him. He had a good attitude and acted like this was just another thing on his to do list today. I was drawn to him and couldn’t help by watch him. The elderly man on the other side of mom told his nurse he has a drink before diner every night; a martini to be exact, on the rocks. She advised him to not drink the night before or after treatment just to be safe. He was a character.

The husband helps his wife to the restroom. Mom reads allure magazine. I blog. My sister sends a text checking in. Mom fidgets. The nurses attend to patients. Mom has to pee. There is lots of chatter in the room. What was once a room filled with silence and sobriety is filled with laughter and teasing. Although there is an underlying feeling of uncertainty and seriousness this place is filled with hope. The nurses are informative and helpful. The patients are talkative at times and then at times you can tell they want to be left with their thoughts. On the way in to the office mom said her thoughts were of being out of control; unaware of how the process would work today. I compared it to the first day of school. No matter how old I get the first day o school or a new job always make me anxious. Once I get through the first day and know what to expect I feel much better. Hopefully mom will feel the same way.

*The picture is poor becasue I sent Daddy with the camera and I used my cell phone.

Chemo Chronicles-Cycle One Day One

We wake to a dreary, cold, rainy day in Leesburg; seems only appropriate for what our morning holds. Mom’s appointment is scheduled for 9am so we leave around twenty til. We stop at Harris Teeter to get a coffee and danish before heading to the doctor’s office. I miss Harris Teeter. I miss Hannaford. I miss grocery stores that make you like to go to the store. Stores that offer specialty items and wide aisles. Stores with big organic sections. But I digress.

So we get to the doctor’s office and check in. They take us back to a little lounge area with about ten recliners for patients and not as comfortable chairs for companions. Mom’s nurse Marla greets us and we talk about what to expect. Marla gives mom information about “cranial prostethetic devices”. Mom and I decide looking for a wig early in the treatment might be beneficial. It is probably a good idea to get one while she still has all of her hair and is not too self conscious about getting out. She says she might just cut her hair really short ad start wearing it to work now. She starts the IV with the anti-nausea meds for 15 minutes, then a steroid, then zantac, then Benadryl. The prep part takes about an hour then we move on to the good stuff. They start the taxateer slowly to make sure she does not have any adverse reactions, which she doesn’t. Once we complete the taxateer we move on to carboplatin.

When we first arrived in the lounge there was one other patient there and the place was a little somber. I guess it would be under the circumstances. Mom and I are kind of chatty so I hoped we won’t bug anyone. I mentioned to the guy next to us to let us know if we need to close our curtain so we would not bother him. He smiled and warmed up; said he didn’t mind our banter. More patients began to arrive. An elderly woman with a woman that had to be her sister came in for about a half hour. A middle age man came in and greeted the man next to us as if they had seen each other before. He said he was in for a long one today and looked like it with his bag of goodies to keep him feed, watered, and entertained. A woman with a head kerchief came in with her husband. It was obvious this was not her first treatment and after starting a conversation with her we learned she had twin 27 year old boys that did not live far from here and one was getting married in June. She is getting treated for lymphoma. A guy came in that seemed to be in his mid forties; he was handsome and jovial. He flirted with the nurses and laughed a lot. He had been here before. I told mom she needs to sit by him when she can. I liked him. He had a good attitude and acted like this was just another thing on his to do list today. I was drawn to him and couldn’t help by watch him. The elderly man on the other side of mom told his nurse he has a drink before diner every night; a martini to be exact, on the rocks. She advised him to not drink the night before or after treatment just to be safe. He was a character.

The husband helps his wife to the restroom. Mom reads allure magazine. I blog. My sister sends a text checking in. Mom fidgets. The nurses attend to patients. Mom has to pee. There is lots of chatter in the room. What was once a room filled with silence and sobriety is filled with laughter and teasing. Although there is an underlying feeling of uncertainty and seriousness this place is filled with hope. The nurses are informative and helpful. The patients are talkative at times and then at times you can tell they want to be left with their thoughts. On the way in to the office mom said her thoughts were of being out of control; unaware of how the process would work today. I compared it to the first day of school. No matter how old I get the first day o school or a new job always make me anxious. Once I get through the first day and know what to expect I feel much better. Hopefully mom will feel the same way.

*The picture is poor becasue I sent Daddy with the camera and I used my cell phone.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Reasons we are going to take Little Man's Tonsils and Adenoids while retubing:

1. A child not yet the age of three should not have already had strep three+ times.

2. A child that had tubes fall out in November should not have had 7 ear infections since.

3. He still has fluid on his right ear since his last ear infection over three weeks ago.

4. Doing it now will avoid missed school and socialization once in school.

5. He is a mouth breather when he sleeps. Of course, now how will I be able to tell he is asleep without actually going in his room?

6. What three year old wouldn't want to eat ice cream and smoothies for a week.

7. Research shows sleep apnea is related to cardiac issues later in life.

8. Fewer antibiotics because he will be sick less (hopefully).

9. Better sleep for him means better sleep for me.

10. Aren't the adenoids pretty much like the appendix...useless.

11. Maybe we can finally turn down the radio.

12. A cranky three year old post op has to be better than a cranky teenager post op.

13. He is our test child anyway.

I will keep you posted on the routine surgery and when they can get him in. I am very optimistic that this is the best thing for Little Man. Not only have I attended Google University to consider our options, I have received lots of advice from others to support our decision.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Reasons we are going to take Little Man's Tonsils and Adenoids while retubing:

1. A child not yet the age of three should not have already had strep three+ times.

2. A child that had tubes fall out in November should not have had 7 ear infections since.

3. He still has fluid on his right ear since his last ear infection over three weeks ago.

4. Doing it now will avoid missed school and socialization once in school.

5. He is a mouth breather when he sleeps. Of course, now how will I be able to tell he is asleep without actually going in his room?

6. What three year old wouldn't want to eat ice cream and smoothies for a week.

7. Research shows sleep apnea is related to cardiac issues later in life.

8. Fewer antibiotics because he will be sick less (hopefully).

9. Better sleep for him means better sleep for me.

10. Aren't the adenoids pretty much like the appendix...useless.

11. Maybe we can finally turn down the radio.

12. A cranky three year old post op has to be better than a cranky teenager post op.

13. He is our test child anyway.

I will keep you posted on the routine surgery and when they can get him in. I am very optimistic that this is the best thing for Little Man. Not only have I attended Google University to consider our options, I have received lots of advice from others to support our decision.